Everyone who has had a teenager or remembers being a teenager knows that this time in life is fraught with arguments and other conflicts, and it’s a very trying time for all involved. Parents are often driven to distraction and desperation working out how to deal with a rebellious teen, and teenagers think their parents don’t understand them and can’t communicate with them properly.

Here, Sue Pratt from LifeWorks Relationship Counselling and Education Services offers some valuable insight into why teens rebel, and gives parents tips to manage the teenage years to minimize stress and conflict for all involved.

Why are these years particularly trying?

Parenting teenagers is a time of transition. The young adolescent is ‘coming of age’, undergoing both physical and emotional transformations and starting to think differently. They’re coping with a suddenly changing body, mood swings through the sudden release of hormones, energy changes and can be quite self-absorbed. Risk-taking behavior can increase and emotions are running high. The teenager is also starting to form their own ideas­ — some of which may challenge family values — and wants to make their own choices, and experience greater freedom and independence as they develop their identity.

At the same time, the parent is also experiencing a time of adjustment as they adapt to the needs, demands, and identity of a newly emerging young adult in the family. Parents may be experiencing a loss of control and fear about the safety, security, and risk of exposure to both known and unfamiliar influences in their child’s independent life.  It’s not unusual for parents to also feel a sense of loss and even grief as their teenager starts to switch attachments towards others (e.g. their peers).

Together, this can create a push-pull dynamic within the household as parents try to instill values and constraints that the teenager questions or rejects. As a result, it can be a time of tension, conflict, and high emotion on both sides.

What are the key concerns, issues, or behaviors regarding rebellion and lack of respect, and what are the potential effects for both teens and parents?

It’s very normal for teenagers to question their parents, family rituals, and values, test the boundaries and offer alternative opinions. This is part of the process of growing up and becoming an individual.

However, one of the biggest issues faced during adolescence is the fact that the young brain is going through a big period of development — and it’s typically the emotional part of the brain that matures faster than the thinking, logical, and regulating part (frontal cortex). As a result, risk-taking behaviors can arise and although teens might feel physically and emotionally ready for greater independence, their ability to make good decisions and understand the consequences is still developing.

This disparity can lead to rebellion, a lack of respect, and bad decision-making fuelled by emotion. An escalation in the level of unresolved conflict between the parent and the teenager, coupled with a breakdown in communication, can signify that the situation is getting out of control.

How can parents help their children to get through this and what sort of coping mechanisms can parents adopt to help themselves through this difficult time?

Parents need to be the frontal cortex for the child and do the limit setting, identify the consequences, and help them understand what is age-appropriate. It’s important that they keep the conversation going and get the teenager to think about their safety and that of their friends, and discuss inappropriate exposures such as drug and alcohol activities.

Parents should also recognize the teenager’s need for age-appropriate independence and give them the opportunity for certain freedoms, but with very clear expectations about how they use it, e.g. “You can do this if you’re home on time.”  If they do it well, acknowledge their responsible behavior and give them a little more — a form of operant conditioning through positive reinforcement.

Parents can also provide other opportunities for responsibility and self-determination and not take responsibility for jobs the teenager can do for themself, e.g. make their school lunch.

At the same time, parents need to look at their own behavior; how they are dealing with conflict, and the role modeling they’re providing. It’s important for the parent to be self-aware and regulate their frustrations, fears, and emotions to ensure that the conversation with their teenager is at its best.  If the parent loses control, raises their voice, and regulates, this reinforces the child’s isolation, sense of frustration, and perception that ‘parents don’t understand’.

Avoid shaming, humiliating, and judging. Parents don’t do this when their child is a baby, so don’t start now.

Parents should also be actively listening, acknowledging their teenager’s feelings, and maintaining connections with their teenager. Simple efforts like asking teens about the latest movies, music, and technology, even if they ‘look dumb’ are still showing the teenager that their parent is interested and curious about their world and the things they love. Keeping attachment enhancing activities going is also vital — family rituals, sport, celebrating their achievements, and having conversations in cars all make a difference to the connection and sense of security and place.  

And finally, but most importantly, parents should assure teenagers of their unconditional love. Families provide a secure base for adolescents to explore the world and family processes, such as emotional bonding, role relationships, rules and love equip the teenager with the necessary skills to interact with the broader social environment.

Top tips for parenting teenagers

1. Although it doesn’t feel like it, research shows that parents are still very important to your teenagers. Family relationships are one of the main reasons teens phone for help. Whatever you may feel, remember parents DO matter!
2. How do I set limits? Try to negotiate rather than dictate — you are much more likely to get a better outcome.
3. What are you expecting of your teenager? Recent research indicates that the emotional centers of the brain are still developing into the twenties so fluxes from ‘mature’ to the ‘immature’ are to be expected.
4. Reframe your focus. Get to appreciate their uniqueness and get to know things and what’s working. Look at the good things — teens are very sensitive to criticism.
5. Let go of some stuff that doesn’t matter — like the messy room! Why let this stuff put the rest of your relationship with them at risk?
6. Parents often feel alone when parenting teens. You most certainly are not. Do have the conversations with others — it can be helpful to know just how many other parents are struggling with issues just as you are.

Written by Sue Pratt, Melbourne City Branch Manager of Lifeworks Relationship Counselling and Education Services, in conjunction with CareforKids.com.au.