The long and short of it:
The five first things you can do to make a positive difference after a loss are:
- Show empathy by saying, “I don’t know what to say, just know I care, I’m here if you want to talk.” “I’m thinking of you,” or “I’ll check in from time to time.” Check in and offer to chat while acknowledging they may not yet be willing or ready.
- Acknowledge the loss without making demands. Simply be present and let the griever take the lead.
- Express your condolences. Sending flowers or a card is a thoughtful gesture, and you might inquire whether they might appreciate your/the team’s presence at the memorial service.
- Show you hold them in the same regard as an employee but that you won’t have the same expectations for some time.
- Discuss leave together, referring to the formal policies in place, recognizing that employees respond differently. Some wish to return sooner, others choose to remain away longer. Experts agree the common two to four days is not enough.
When you become aware that an employee has experienced the loss of a family member or loved one, actions can and should be taken and gestures made to assist their comfort and well-being. As a manager, you represent the organization and its response, and it’s up to you to acknowledge their bereavement, show compassion, give them the space and time to make arrangements and begin to process their loss, and ease their transition back to work when they’re ready.
What are the immediate needs of an employee after a family member dies?
Katrina Weller, a grief and loss educator at Grow with Grief, says grief is more than an emotional response and can impact physical, psychological, and social well-being. Daily activities including work-life will be affected, and support from the employee’s network, including their manager and coworkers will make a big difference.
Meeting emotional needs:
- Show empathy by recognizing their emotions, articulating them, and avoiding judgment.
- Be present for the employee. This might be as simple as allowing them to cry in your presence.
- A friendly check-in or offering to chat and following up in a few hours can mean the world, though acknowledge they may not be willing or ready to talk. Dr Lefteris Patlamazoglou, university lecturer and counseling psychologist, provides examples of phrases to show you care while respecting their distance: “I’m here in any way you need me,” “Take your time and know I’m here when you need me,” “I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you,” “Please don’t even think about work at this time.”
- Show you recognize their loss by expressing your condolences. Sending flowers or a card is a thoughtful gesture, and you might also inquire whether your presence at the memorial service would be appreciated.
- Acknowledge the loss without making demands. Let the griever take the lead.
- People can be very self-critical when they’re grieving, especially those who have been very successful at work. Show that you hold them in the same regard, but that you won’t have the same expectations for some time. You could say, “I really value your work and understand you’re going through challenging times. Work can wait. Take time to look after yourself. If working helps keep your mind distracted and gives you some relief, I’m happy to discuss with you lighter tasks you might find interesting and rewarding.”
- Understand the first year will be the hardest as the employee navigates special occasions without their loved one for the first time.
Meeting employee needs:
- Arrange leave as soon as possible for the employee to make arrangements and begin to process the loss. Most experts agree that two to four days’ leave, commonly offered worldwide, is not enough.
- Ask the employee what they need, and what they would like you to tell others at work.
- You can play a role in preparing coworkers. Try a workshop on how to respond to a grieving coworker or circulate Circle In platform resources. Communicate to them about the returning employee’s wishes.
- Experts have found grievers often feel pressure to go back to work quickly. It’s important for employee well-being and recovery that they don’t feel this extra stress and pressure over something they cannot control.
- Katrina Weller recommends providing the employee with autonomy to decide when they want to return to work. “Some people choose to return to work quickly, as it gives them purpose or distracts them. Other people request longer periods of time away. Allow flexibility and give the employee choice,” though it is also important that you offer clarity so they don’t make assumptions about your expectations or rush back to work unnecessarily.
What not to do:
- Immediately or only refer them to counseling.
- Leave them alone.
- Only arrange their leave.
- Rush into expressing your condolences. Instead, go slowly, and when you do, make eye contact to acknowledge them. Afterward, send them an email to let them know you’re thinking of them. Ask when or how they’d like you to talk with them in person about how you will support them. When in doubt, offer your condolences in private, such as during a lunch break.
Explore other Circle In resources to help you and your team understand grief and ways to support the families in your workplace.
Helpful links:
Sources:
Moss J, Making Your Workplace Safe for Grief, HBR, June 2017
Petriglieri G, Maitlis S, When a Colleague Is Grieving, HBR, July-August 2019
Rabasca Roepe L, How to Support Employees through Grief and Loss, SHRM, August 2017
If you or someone you love needs support, speak with a trusted health professional or crisis support hotline in your region.
Last updated: 16 June 2021
